


Extra Gay Mega Hell

by wrongfun (scumtrout)



Category: Doom (Video Games), Supernatural
Genre: I Don't Even Know, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:07:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27455452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scumtrout/pseuds/wrongfun
Summary: Fix-it fic. Fill for a prompt on tumblr. I don't even go here. 2020 has been a stressful year for us all.
Relationships: Castiel/Doomguy
Comments: 26
Kudos: 169





	Extra Gay Mega Hell

In a void beyond space and time, there is a thing that used to be an angel.

The angel is held in the Empty, unthinking, unseeing, not dead, yet not alive. It waits for the heat death of the universe. 

Something else happens occurs heat death, though: in the void… a door appears.

This door is then promptly kicked down by a large guy in green armor who bellows like a wounded bull:

“WHAT’S UP BITCHSLUTS.”

The guy is brandishing a conspicuously large gun, as if he is here to challenge the void to a Nerf match. He starts slightly when he sees the angel.

“What,” says the angel.

“Yo dude I’m trying to find Satan’s weed stash,” the guy declares, and looks around. “Any ideas?”

“*What*,” the angel says.

“*Weed*,” says the guy.

The angel says, “How… How did you get here?”

“I saw a door with with a sign on it saying ‘Extra Gay Mega Hell’ so I went through.” The guy pauses. “Is this place closed? I can come back later. I thought a place called Extra Gay Mega Hell would contain fuck huge nasty demon cock.”

“What.”

“Cocks the size of a man. Urethras you could put your forearm in. Foreskins you could use as a tent. Cocks you can’t even suck, you just gotta plunge straight into the pisshole like it’s a slip and slide and then you go inside the ballsack and the ballsack is also full of cocks that then spunk in all of your holes INCLUDING your nostrils so you cry spunk and your sinuses taste like brie.” The guy in green armor paces around a bit, then hangs his head, and scuffs his boot on the non-existent floor, clearly disappointed. “Geez.”

Then the guy hefts his gun onto one of his shoulders, and asks, “Why are you here bro?”

“It’s complicated,” says the angel, who may start screaming in a moment.

“Does it involve weed or urethras?”

“No.”

“Cool then it’s not relevant. Do you know where Satan’s weed stash is?”

“He doesn’t have one,” says the angel.

“Fucking BULLSHIT,” the guy screams, outraged.

“I think Lucifer has a salvia stash?” The angel has never seen the salvia stash, but it has been alleged since the dawn of time that the stash originally belonged to God but God had a bad experience and that’s how the universe ended up with the CMB Cold Spot and no one is meant to discuss this, so God gave the stash to Lucifer and now Lucifer just partakes in it whenever he wants to assume the form of a burning pentacosidodecayotton and undulate furiously.

“THAT’S NOT THE SAME. NO ONE HAS A SALVIA STASH. THEY JUST HAVE A SAD LITTLE CONTAINER OF DRIED GREEN SHIT THAT THEY USE ONCE AND THEN THEY TURN INTO A TESSERACT CHOO CHOO TRAIN AND NEVER SMOKE IT AGAIN. IT’S NOT EVEN ILLEGAL.” The guy points the gun at the angel. “Tell me where the weed stash is.”

The angel can’t speak anymore. The angel has had a rough time.

“Oh my god don’t start crying,” says the guy, and lowers the gun. “I mean fuck man this place *is* gay. But not in the cool ‘drowning in a sea of demon cum while turned inside out like a Klein bottle so I am using my own anus as a hairy lifebuoy’ way, more like the bad ‘listen to I’m the Only One by Melissa Etheridge while getting fucked up on vodka cran because your ex posted pics on Facebook of them getting married to someone who isn’t even the same gender’ way. Do you want to get ice cream?”

“I don’t understand.”

“If you’re here because you’re moping over some guy then I bet he never offered to get you ice cream,” the guy says.

True.

“If a man doesn’t offer to get you ice cream, then you need him like you need a prolapsed anus full of bees,” the guy adds.

The angel feels the need to clarify, “Technically it’s not his fault I’m here. I am here because of the Shadow.”

“What, the shitty Alec Baldwin movie or the Jungian archetype?”

“No. The Shadow is what holds dominion over this place.”

The guy turns around 360 degrees to survey the nothingness. “Dominion over *what*? THIS PLACE CONTAINS PRECISELY FUCK AND SHIT,” he screams into the emptiness.

And inevitably, the emptiness screams back, “THAT’S BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO SLEEP. GO SHOUT ABOUT DEMON CUM ELSEWHERE YOU NASTY PIG.

“Wow,” says the guy.

The Shadow adds, “LUCIFER’S WEED STASH IS HIDDEN INSIDE THE ANUS OF A MANCUBUS FIVE REALMS UP FROM HERE.”

“Are you sure?” the guy asks.

“ABSOLUTELY. YOU HAVE TO SUCK ALL SIX OF ITS NIPPLES IN THE CORRECT SEQUENCE TO MAKE IT EXPEL THE WEED JAR.”

“What’s the sequence?”

In a voice like the unmaking of the universe, the Shadow intones, “TOP-LEFT, MID-RIGHT, TOP-RIGHT, MID-LEFT, BOTTOM RIGHT, BOTTOM LEFT. NOW FUCK OFF.”

The angel looks at the guy. “Surely you’re not going to…”

“Let me live my life,” says the guy, then addresses the Shadow That Moves Upon The Emptiness Before Time. “OKAY, THANKS. BYE.”

The guy looks toward the angel again. “So, do you want ice cream, or? I promise I won’t point my BFG at you again.”

“I cannot leave this place.”

“TAKE HIM FOR A FUCKING ICE CREAM,” the Shadow says. “I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER WHY HE’S HERE.”

“We had a deal?” the angel says. “Jack Kline? Remember?”

“WE DID? OH. RIGHT. WELL THE DEAL HAS CHANGED. NOW THE DEAL IS THAT YOU GET HAVE TO ICE CREAM WITH LOUDMOUTH MCJIZZO OVER THERE.”

“Why?” asks the angel.

“I AM AN UNFATHOMABLE ENTITY THAT INHABITS THE ABYSS BEYOND GOD’S JURISDICTION AND I DON’T GOTTA EXPLAIN SHIT.”

The armored guy nods at the angel, although his helmet means that his expression is unreadable.

“...Okay?” says the angel.

The guy straightens up slightly, as if this has just made his day. “Neato. I’m going to show you all my favourite ways to kill demons, like… the Taintpunch… which is when you punch the taint…. so hard that they suffocate to death on their own prostate...”

“Demons do not have prostates,” says the angel, because he is no fun.

“Wanna bet? If I show you a demon prostate, you have to kiss me,” the guy says, and leads the angel out.

The Shadow goes back to its nap, and dreams of giving God a wedgie and shoving them in a locker.


End file.
